Last week, I believe it was about July 19th, I began to have doubt. I started to question my ability to do the training that it takes to make it to the starting line at Ironman. Besides struggling to have money for a hotel room, other questions began swarming in my head like a 1,000 wasps getting ready to attack their victim.

These thoughts were not completely out if the blue. Nothing is "out of the blue" as a matter of fact. The signs are always there, it's just a matter of if you choose to recognize it or not.

"I think my heart just isn't in it anymore." I said to Demetrius. 

The fact of the matter is that I go through phases in training. I get completely overwhelmed when I'm not hitting a particular workout or when I feel like I'm falling behind. It would be so much easier to just hang this all up and do something easier. "I feel like I could easily knock out a half Ironman... But a full? I don't know if that's possible anymore."

Do I have the option of backing out? Of course I do. Of the nearly $800.00 I spent on registration, I am able to get back $150.00. So what's the point? I could also transfer my registration to a handful of other races, but they were all earlier than October 1st, so that was rather pointless as well. I cried tears over the decision that I found myself having to make. 

The next day I decided that I was going to let it all go. I felt bad that I had told everyone I was going to do this and that now I was going to have to retract everything and move on with life. I justified the decision by saying, "Well, I originally didn't plan to do a full until 2017 anyway." Before completely letting go of this dream, I logged into Facebook and went to the Maryland Ironman group and told everyone that I needed help making a decision. I knew that of all people, they would be the ones to help me flip the switch, because deep down, I thought I might still  want to race. The responses I got back were phenomenal. My fellow competitors told me I would regret the decision. They posted inspirational videos and insisted that I be there so they could see me at the finish line. Questions were asked such as, "Why did you decide to do this in the first place?"

Now that is a loaded question. Why did I decide to do this in the first place?

I suppose there are many reasons, but two in particular that drive me each day. The first reason I decided to do a full Ironman is because I wanted to prove to myself that I am tough enough to complete the distance. Becoming an Ironman is about having the mental toughness to make it not just to the finish line, but to endure the training to get to the starting line. This would be the ultimate test. Qualifying for the Kona World Championships ("brought to you by GoPro" LOL) is not remotely a goal for me. It's not that I don't think that I couldn't one day qualify for it, but rather because it's just simply not the goal I have set for myself. 

I cried so many tears that day, and the weeks and months to follow. Tears fill my eyes as I remember the details of this day so clearly. 

So there you have it: My "why" for racing on October 1st. In October of 2015, I got my first of two tribute tattoos to Justus. I have a paw print with a silhouette of Justus' head on my right shoulder. That tattoo gives me so much strength when I feel like giving up. When I am swimming, biking, or running and get to a point where I want to stop, I think about that tattoo and then I suddenly find myself with a little extra momentum. ​

When Demetrius and I started running, I would always tell him, "It's dangerous to run on sidewalks. The road is safer, even though there are cars." I say it every time we are forced to run on sidewalks. Today, I had the opportunity to demonstrate why sidewalk running is hazardous to your health. Before you scroll down any more, I will warn you that you are about to see a graphic picture of my bloody knee. Feel free to pass on this post. But, it many ways it might be like a car accident: You just can't look away. It also is a graphic reminder of why running on sidewalks is not the best place for runners. 
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The plan today was to run for 50 minutes, and then finish with speedwork. Seemed like an easy enough workout so I was looking forward to it, since I would be running with my favorite running partner. It was hard to decide where to run since we were starting at about 8:30am and the heat index was already 88. The greenway was a no-go because while it is shaded, there is absolutely NO breeze. I decided that we could start from Elm Street Park even though that would have us running near a few somewhat busy roads.  Demetrius put on his 20 pound weight vest, did a short warmup, and we headed up the road toward Greenville Boulevard. While we chatted about the heat, I tripped over a seam in the pavement of the sidewalk. "Whew! Quick recovery. That could have been embarrassing!" I took about 100 more steps and I tripped again. This time I was unable to make a smooth recovery. Before I knew it, I was getting closer and closer to the ground. In that moment I could hear a car passing us at the same moment. "I hope no one is witnessing this!" The ground got closer. "This is what I mean when I tell people running on sidewalks is dangerous." Now I'm on the ground. I fell to my hands and knees. My left leg took the brunt of the fall. I quickly rolled to my back and laid on the ground with my knees bent. I started to laugh a little because I was embarrassed and fighting back tears. I closed my eyes as I did a quick assessment of what hurt.

"Am I bleeding?"   

"Uhh, yeah, your knees are bleeding, 

"How bad is it?"

"It looks pretty bad. I think our run is over."

"No it's not. We can keep going." I raised my arm over my head to pause my Garmin. 

"No, Jamie. I'm pretty sure we need to get you cleaned up and resting."

In my head I knew it was the smart thing to do. Several thoughts passed through my head as I considered what to do. 

1. But I am training for Ironman
2. This is a really important workout for the training plan this week
3. I woke up early to do this
4. Demetrius just got off working a 12 hour shift and I don't want to waste his time
5. I'm a badass, I can keep going
6. I don't have time for an injury
7. It's probably not that bad
8. I will NOT quit after running only .15 miles. 
9. Is that blood running down my leg, or sweat?
10. Okay, how do I stand up because I cut my hands too...

Just then, a car pulled over quickly and a woman ran over to us. She asked if I was okay and told me that she is a runner and she got scared when she saw a runner laying on the sidewalk. I told her what happened and pointed to the spot on the sidewalk where I tripped. Demetrius went over to the school across the street to see if they had any first aid items we could use to clean up my leg. Blood was running into my sock at this point. The school workers said didn't have anything (which how is that possible??) so we went to the church to ask if they had anything. He came back with some paper towels and meanwhile the woman from the car gave me a bottle of water to start flushing out the dirt and debris. My leg kept bleeding, but I was like, "No, we can still try this run." A few minutes later, a man from the church came over with a first aid kit. I was able to clean the cut with a cleaning wipe and then put two large bandaids over the cut. I wasn't sure how long they would stick since I was sweating, but it was worth a shot. 

After thanking everyone who helped me, Demetrius and I started on our run. I told him that we probably wouldn't be hitting 50 minutes OR the speedwork, but that I just wanted to see how far we could go, giving the pain I was in. After about 30 minutes, I took the bandaids off because they were about to fall off anyway. So there we were, running around town and my leg looked like someone shot me. The pain subsided a bit, so I decided that we could do the whole run. I wasn't giving up! We ended up finishing the 50 minute run AND the speedwork. Take that, sidewalk!

**Note** This blog only covers my workouts through Wednesday morning. Honestly, I found that completing the workouts was enough work, and writing a story about all of them became overwhelming. Plus, I don't want to bore my readers with a super long post**

A couple weeks ago, I decided to do something completely new: Post all of my workouts for the week on social media. The idea? When you tell others what you are going to do, they expect you to follow through. It is easy to hit snooze on the alarm clock, but when people are expecting you to be somewhere, you are obligated to fulfill the promise. On June 26th, this is what I posted:

Monday- AM swim (long) PM bike 25 miles
Tuesday- AM track (run?walk) PM cross train
Wednesday - AM bike (20ish) PM swim
Thursday - AM bike (50ish)
Friday - AM swim PM cross train/runwalk? 
Saturday - AM bike (20ish)
Sunday - none! Relax at Sunday in the Park!
​ 
So there you have it. A promise. When the alarm went off on Monday morning, I got up and I was feeling good. I thought, "I told everyone I was doing this. It's time to make it happen!" I went to the gym and began my first workout of the week. 

AM: Swim - 
​I have never seen the pool so busy! There were two water aerobic classes going on, so the water was choppy, but still manageable. By the end of the workout, I swam 2000 yards, or 1.136 miles. I just have to keep it in my head that I have to complete the swim in under 2 hours and 20 minutes. Swimming in the pool is very different from swimming in open water, so there is that aspect to consider as well. Working on long swims helps me to build my endurance for not just the swim, but for the other sports as well. Swimming is so different from everything else because you have to think about when to breathe or else you will choke back water. In cycling and running, you just breathe and don't have to think about it. Your lungs are like a muscle and have to worked out in order to improve endurance. Another thing I can offer is to not focus so much on kicking in the water. Your legs should kick for the purpose of keeping your body straight in the water instead of using them for propulsion. Your legs have so many muscles that you will wear yourself out if you kick too hard. Not only that, you don't move as far forward with a strong kick as you do with a strong pull with your arms. According to swimming coach Terry Laughlin, kicking should primarily be used to keep your legs from dragging behind you, which in turn makes you faster. As a triathlete, you want to save your legs by kicking them only as much as you need to in order to keep your body balanced in the water. You need your legs for the bike and the run! If you are a natural born swimmer, this may not apply to you. To each his own, but I find that this works for me. Okay, moving on...

PM: Bike 25 miles
At 6pm, I met a group at Bicycle Post that would ride a 25 mile course. It is advertised as no drop, but I think that's somewhat arguable. It is a women's only ride, however men are allowed as long as they do not lead the group at any point, which is not always enforced. I rode with the group some last summer and was able to keep up nicely, but things have changed this year. I feel I am a stronger cyclist, but the group is riding much faster than last year.  Typically, a group ride will create a pace line where cyclists line up one behind the other in order to draft off the person in front of them. The person in front "pulls" the group, by breaking through the wind, and the other riders cruise behind. Sometimes, there is a double pace line where there are two rows of cyclists and people take turns pulling the group. This was executed perfectly last year but this time when I rode, riders were all over the place, sometimes three and four across on the road, and the pace would speed up and slow down drastically, just to speed back up again. Not wanting to catch anyone's wheel and fall, I was hesitant to get to close for fear of a crash. Before I could realize what was happening, the group did a surge and I was off the back of the group and no longer getting the benefit of drafting. We were at 17 miles and the group slowly started to get farther and farther away. I felt defeated and frustrated, as the group never looked back to see if anyone was missing, which the exception of one rider who thankfully stayed with me for the rest of the ride and got me back to the parking lot. I was thankful for her staying with me and not leaving me behind like everyone else. I guess I still have some work to do to keep up with this group. 

AM: Walk - Around 10am, I took the dogs to Town Common to walk a few miles. Demetrius had gone for a run, so the plan was to meet him somewhere on the greenway. It was very hot and humid and I wasn't sure how the dogs would handle the heat. By 2 miles, Haro started to lay down in the grass and I could tell that the heat was getting to her. We sat down for a little bit and then walked some more. We found puddles that she could drink from and then we would sit for a little bit. We waited around the park to see if Demetrius was coming back but never saw him. Haro was starting to overheat so I put the dogs in the car and we headed home. Haro went straight for the water bowl, and I headed right to the shower. Workout #1 was done, and now I waited for workout #2 in the evening. 

PM: Cross training
I decided that I wanted to do a workout DVD since my friend Wanda was not able to meet for a workout. I originally wanted to do a BeachBody 21 Day fix workout but couldn't seem to kind the DVDs, so instead I stumbled upon an OLD DVD called "Stability Ball Workout for Dummies". A stability ball is great for working out for abs and stabilizer muscles. Any time you are working out with a stability ball, you are working out so many muscles at once. The next day is when you really feel it! If you bring up a full size image of this picture, you can see that I had a pretty good sweat going on for this workout! 

AM: Bike
I met some friends in Winterville who were planning to ride 12 miles. My plan for the day was to ride 20 miles, and to have company for any amount of miles was welcomed! We started about 5:30am, just before the sun was coming up. I am not a morning person by any stretch of the imagination, but there is something magical about this time of day. It's pure... I rode the first 12 miles with the group, and then added on what was left to reach 20 miles. I have a lot of work to do in order to be ready for Ironman, but every workout is mileage towards the goal, so no matter what, I keep going! Each week, I ride more than the week before, so I am now feeling like I am making progress toward my ultimate goal of crossing the finish line in October.

Again, I apologize for not posting about every single workout. It became overwhelming to include every detail, and my other thought was "How much is interesting enough to share and get readers to the end of the blog post?" 

Not every training session can go down in the books as a GREAT workout. Today is a good example of a less than perfect workout. I woke up this morning feeling a little groggy, so I slept a little bit longer. Since I am a teacher, I have summers off (comp time, really) so my training can fluctuate as needed. If I need to sleep in a little bit I can, as long as I haven't already made a commitment to meet someone for a workout. Since yesterday was the 4th of July, also known as my FAVORITE holiday, I stayed up late with Demetrius. We were able to see fireworks from my backyard, and since my dogs Haro and Bud were terrified of what they thought was the end of the world, it was nice to stay back and be with them, while also getting to enjoy fireworks that neighbors paid for. (Yea for illegal fireworks!)

I'm thinking that part of what was weighing me down today was that last night we picked up food from Cookout. As a vegetarian, my food options at most places is pretty limited. By the time we were ready to eat last night, it was nearing 9 p.m., when most restaurants were closing down for the night. I was most disappointed that both locations of my favorite Mexican restaurant was closed. Cookout was a third place finisher on our list of ideas, but regardless, I still got cheese quesadillas. The problem with eating any type of fast food, or simply going out for that matter, is that it's never as healthy as it could have been if you made it at home. Nutrition has taken a back seat these last couple days, and I wonder if that contributed to my lackluster swim workout.  

On the other hand, food might have had nothing to do with it. Ironman training is hard. There is absolutely no other way to accurately describe it. I found myself today saying, "Maybe this is too much... Maybe I should have just done another half... Am I strong enough and disciplined enough for this?" I often joke that the one thing I am really good at is being inconsistent. It's like some days I wake up and I just think "I don't want to do this." Or, "Do I really have to do this workout? Can I do something else instead and call it a good workout? Is this my body's way of saying I need a day off?" Other times, nothing can stop me. But, I know this is all part of the mental game when it comes to Ironman. I have talked with others who go through similar feelings of, "Can I do this? What was I thinking?" We can...

As I drove to the pool this afternoon, I messaged Demetrius and said, "Some days I wish I was only doing a half Ironman. Like today," His response was, "You get it girl!" I took a deep breath and thought, "Yeah, I got this!!" When I got to the pool, only lane 1 was open, which is a bad spot to be in because it's against the wall and the current of the pool pushes you to the side, no matter how hard you try to swim in a straight line. I practiced a new swim technique that the Master Swim coaches taught last week but I was getting frustrated because it's basically changing my entire arm stroke. At one point I thought, "You know what? It's too late to change my entire technique. I can only change one or two things at this point." After a few hundred yards I found myself getting more and more flustered. I kept thinking about what Demetrius said, but the one half of my brain was saying, "You should cut this workout short." I planned to swim 1800 yards so that I could hit a mile. Soon, I began to bargain with myself and I cut it back to 1600 yards. After 900 yards I looked at my watch and thought, "Screw it, I'm done at 1200." Once I hit 1200, I got out of the pool, packed up my stuff and hit the shower. The whole time I was thinking, "What is WRONG with me? Why do I feel this way?" 

To be honest, I still don't know the answer to it. Some days you have it, and some days you don't. I have a lot to be proud of from yesterday though... I met a bunch of friends at Goose Creek State Park in Washington, NC and did a run/walk for 4 miles. (Two weeks ago, I injured my right calf which had me only swimming and biking for two weeks. This past Saturday I ran about a half mile or so after a 25 mile bike ride.) I felt really good that I was able to put down 4 miles yesterday, even if it wasn't as fast as I am capable of doing. Once the run was over, I got on my bike, and rode 25 miles with a new group. I only knew about half of the riders in the group, so it was nice be to meet some new people. After the ride, we went back to the park and had a picnic where everyone brought different foods to share. It was a great experience, and one I look forward to again next year. As the evening came to a close, I look back on this year's 4th of July as my most memorable. 

Tomorrow is a new day to train for Ironman. And I will be there, ready for the challenge!